I don't talk about this a lot, but it's been on my mind.
My dad weighs over five hundred pounds.
Like, probably six hundred pounds.
In today's world, he is big. But, sadly, you see people like him. Not daily, but enough that you don't drop everything and say "OH MY GD".
But growing up in the '80s, like I did, it wasn't normal. I remember walking a few steps ahead of him everywhere we went. I would have a menacing look on my face, DARING people to stare at him. I would run ahead in restaurants, to make sure we could get seats that didn't have arms, and that weren't too out in the open, but at the same time, not too much of a walk back. He couldn't walk that far.
My dad has a sense of humor as big as his stomach. Seriously. He literally would tell people that he was a recovering anorexic, and that he was proud of his recovery. He never seemed to eat TOO much in public, but had no problem talking about his favorite foods, restaurants, or what he ate last night. He was shameless! Have you ever noticed that "fat" people never talk about food? It's like they don't want you to think that they actually eat.
I went through an anorexic phase, and I remember going to visit him. I wsa going to be there for 3 days, which meant roughly 5 workouts. My dad was about to turn 50 and thought it would be fun to join. (He was lighter then, maybe 400 lbs.) He went with me, and for a brief moment in time, we had something in common.
You see, when I was growing up, my dad didn't really do anything with me or my siblings. He worked crazy hours, and when he was home, you could find him on the couch. "Quality time" meant praying, eating, or long drives. (He was a car afficiando). I have no memories of doing physical activities with my dad. I know he coached my brother's soccer team, but that was more for the folly of it, and there were other coaches that actually knew the sport.
At my sister's wedding, he was to do the father/daughter dance with her. There was a glitch in the technical system, however, which left him standing, painfully still, for over 30 seconds. He couldn't handle the agony and sat down, and my brother filled in. My dad never spoke of that moment, but I know it killed him. We aren't close, (for many other reasons), so this wasn't an issue at my wedding. He did, however, roll a wheelchair down the aisle.
Why am I writing about all of this now? Because I am at the age when I will try to have kids in the next year or so. And I worry. I am no where near his size, but I know genes are genes.
I am making a promise, from here until forever. Being on the Zone and Crossfitting can't be novelties to me. And, sometimes, I feel like they are. Not because I don't love Crossfit, or the energy and power the Zone gives me, but because, somewhere deep inside, I think I feel like I have been sentenced to following in his shoe steps. And I WON'T DO IT.
When I do something "big", like get my double unders, or run a 400m, no one is more surprised than me. Because I feel like a 600 lb shadow of a man. I don't think I've ever realized that, until right this minute. But I'm as much of a Crossfitter as anyone else at the box. I am earning my title as an athlete with every WOD.
I am going to be a healthy mom and wife. I will be able to ride bikes with my kids, and do Disneyland, and go all over the world. I have to. Because I don't want to be standing in a room of people, all staring at me, wondering if the lifestyle I chose was worth not being able to be a good parent to my child.
Showing posts with label This is what you call progress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label This is what you call progress. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Dude, Where's Your Brain?
As I've mentioned before, I've been taking yoga as a compliment to my Crossfit classes. This is important to me because 1) I suck at stretching, 2) I definitely need the relaxation and 3) it gives me a guarenteed "date" night with one of my best friends once a week. One think that is hard about yoga is that you can't gague your progress the way you can with Crossfit. Whereas you might be able to reach further during a stretch, or hold something longer, it isn't something that you write down or that anyone else is paying attention to, so at the end of the hour, its all about how you feel. I have to let go of comparing myself to the other girls in the class. The bodies in the room are flawless, and mine isn't. It can be distracting, when I catch sight of myself in the mirror and start calling myself mean names. I realize that the whole point of working out is to become stronger and happier with myself, and I'm not doing that at this point. I still feel like my body is my enemy, and it is frustrating.
Today, however, I am going to celebrate that I was able to get together breakfast, lunch, and 2 snacks (all Zoned) for work. I did, though, forget my gym bag at home. When I got to work, I realized that I left my work keys on my desk, thus locking myself out. I had to call a co-worker to come rescue me, because I get to work first. I also had to reschedule Crossfit for tomorrow, because it is not really feasible to drive all the way home to get my clothes to get back to the box to do a WOD on a work night. But a friend who has keys to my house is going to bring my workout clothes to yoga, which is where she is going, so I can at least do yoga tonight. Serenity now. I'm really trying to get my act together. It's just hard when I am the biggest space case! Today I will focus on the positive things I am doing for myself and let go of the chaos that is swirling around me.
Today, however, I am going to celebrate that I was able to get together breakfast, lunch, and 2 snacks (all Zoned) for work. I did, though, forget my gym bag at home. When I got to work, I realized that I left my work keys on my desk, thus locking myself out. I had to call a co-worker to come rescue me, because I get to work first. I also had to reschedule Crossfit for tomorrow, because it is not really feasible to drive all the way home to get my clothes to get back to the box to do a WOD on a work night. But a friend who has keys to my house is going to bring my workout clothes to yoga, which is where she is going, so I can at least do yoga tonight. Serenity now. I'm really trying to get my act together. It's just hard when I am the biggest space case! Today I will focus on the positive things I am doing for myself and let go of the chaos that is swirling around me.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Drink The Crossfit Kool-Aid!
Last night I had a really funny dream. I dreamt that I was at Disneyland, and that it was kind of set up like high school. Different classes were doing Crossfit, and my mom happened to be participating in "Helen" for the day. I was so proud of her! She did it in 50:00 minutes, which, given that she has a terminal illness, isn't bad at al
l. I was telling her about the dream this morning, and she thought it was hilarious. I told her she probably could do the workouts if she was just patient, and worked with a trainer. My mom said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" But, she was curious about what it is about Crossfit that I like so much and what I think it has given me.
My best friend Mike got me into Crossfit at a time in my life where things were out of my control. My mom was really sick and in the hospital, I was unemployed, and diagnosed with infertility. The medicines they were putting me on caused me to lose my hair, throw up daily, and suffer from insane depression. It was not a good time to be Rachel. A year later, things haven't really changed. My mom is still sick, I'm still infertile, and the medicines are just as crappy. However, how I am able to face life and it's challenges has definitely gotten better. I have the energy to care about what fuel I put into my body, and I have made a schedule that I am sticking to with my workouts. I have made great friends and improved the friendships that I had prior to Crossfit because I am a better problem-solver and more independant. Mike also introduced our other best friend, Josh, to Crossfit as well. He has lost over 45 lbs and has made his health and well-being a priority again after 7 years in a high-stress job. We all call each other after our WODs to brag and commiserate. I'm lucky. And happy.
50 minute Helen or not, I think Crossfit can do a lot for people if they just let it. Drink the Kool-Aid!
l. I was telling her about the dream this morning, and she thought it was hilarious. I told her she probably could do the workouts if she was just patient, and worked with a trainer. My mom said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" But, she was curious about what it is about Crossfit that I like so much and what I think it has given me.
My best friend Mike got me into Crossfit at a time in my life where things were out of my control. My mom was really sick and in the hospital, I was unemployed, and diagnosed with infertility. The medicines they were putting me on caused me to lose my hair, throw up daily, and suffer from insane depression. It was not a good time to be Rachel. A year later, things haven't really changed. My mom is still sick, I'm still infertile, and the medicines are just as crappy. However, how I am able to face life and it's challenges has definitely gotten better. I have the energy to care about what fuel I put into my body, and I have made a schedule that I am sticking to with my workouts. I have made great friends and improved the friendships that I had prior to Crossfit because I am a better problem-solver and more independant. Mike also introduced our other best friend, Josh, to Crossfit as well. He has lost over 45 lbs and has made his health and well-being a priority again after 7 years in a high-stress job. We all call each other after our WODs to brag and commiserate. I'm lucky. And happy.
50 minute Helen or not, I think Crossfit can do a lot for people if they just let it. Drink the Kool-Aid!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sometimes You Can Only Look Up. This Is One Of Those Times.
When I was 16, Rachel and Ross broke up. (You know, on Friends.) I was so heart-broken. Maybe, one might say, a little too heart-broken. You see, at the time, I had my own "Ross" (Kevin). And I really thought that if Rachel and Ross could make it work, then OBVIOUSLY me and Kevin could make it work.
Being dramatic and 16, my life was seriously disturbed for a week or so until I knew what happened on the next episode. (Where is this going?? I'll tie it up in a second, I promise). I think I started to get confused as to where my life was and where the characters life were, you know? Anyway, one of the days I didn't even want to go to school. My mom asked me what was going on, and I said "Ross broke up with me". She looked so confused and then I realized, 1) I was crazy and 2) You can't just stop your life because bad things happen (even if they happen to your favorite tv characters).
Last week was really challenging and I am SHOCKED that I got to the gym for the 3 times that I did. Well, not shocked, because I had to put a lot of energy in getting my ass to the box. (That sounds sexual but it isn't.)
Last year, some really terrible things happened in my life and I didn't get to the gym for 2 months. Did missing Crossfit make those terrible things any better? Nope. It just meant that those terrible things happened AND I had to stress about getting back to the gym. So this realization has made my life a little bit easier, and my goals a little bit stronger. GET TO THE GYM.
WOD #34 10:16 (3/4/11)
3 rounds for time of:
200 m Run
6 Sumo Deadlift High-pulls 43 lbs
12 Walking Lunges
WOD #35 (3/6/11)
Cindy 7 full rounds, 5 ring-rows and 5 push-ups
5 Ring-rows
10 Push-ups
15 Squats
Being dramatic and 16, my life was seriously disturbed for a week or so until I knew what happened on the next episode. (Where is this going?? I'll tie it up in a second, I promise). I think I started to get confused as to where my life was and where the characters life were, you know? Anyway, one of the days I didn't even want to go to school. My mom asked me what was going on, and I said "Ross broke up with me". She looked so confused and then I realized, 1) I was crazy and 2) You can't just stop your life because bad things happen (even if they happen to your favorite tv characters).
Last week was really challenging and I am SHOCKED that I got to the gym for the 3 times that I did. Well, not shocked, because I had to put a lot of energy in getting my ass to the box. (That sounds sexual but it isn't.)
Last year, some really terrible things happened in my life and I didn't get to the gym for 2 months. Did missing Crossfit make those terrible things any better? Nope. It just meant that those terrible things happened AND I had to stress about getting back to the gym. So this realization has made my life a little bit easier, and my goals a little bit stronger. GET TO THE GYM.
WOD #34 10:16 (3/4/11)
3 rounds for time of:
200 m Run
6 Sumo Deadlift High-pulls 43 lbs
12 Walking Lunges
WOD #35 (3/6/11)
Cindy 7 full rounds, 5 ring-rows and 5 push-ups
5 Ring-rows
10 Push-ups
15 Squats
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Crossfit is the New Black
I'm totally shocked at how much I love Crossfit right now. You know when you are in love and you think about the person 24/7? Like, you fall asleep thinking about them? And when you are having a crappy day, you suddenly think about them and then you are like, Oh, yeah, at least I have them to think about?
That is my Crossfit. (Sorry, husband. I think about you, too, obviously.) (And you are very handsome.) (I love you.) (You are number one on my whiteboard.)
ANYWAY.
I think that training has been the best decision I have made. I love the group classes, and I am obessed with my friends at Crossfit, but the gains I have made, especially lately, seem to be so much bigger when I'm one on one with TJ or Shain. And I love how DIFFERENT their training styles are, because I have doubled my gains...I think it is because I can focus on somethings (running, for instance) with Shain and other things (pull-ups) with TJ. And that makes for such a different experience.
My schedule has been so hellish lately, and I am kind of impressed with myself that I am making the time to workout before I make time to do the other things (aka cleaning lol) that need to get done. The truth is I'm a million times happier when I'm doing good at the gym rather than when I'm cleaning. Who knew?
With this WOD, I am 10% of the way to my goal of 200 WODs for the year. Incidentally, it is only 10.4% of the way through the year. (Yes, I am a huge dork). But I feel really good about this, and I feel really good about the fact that I am still working on something. (I am also glad I have all of this positivity recorded for when I'm not as positive!)
Oh...I was also excited that I did box jumps on a tire today! It was just a little 1 foot tire, but I am not as afraid of falling in the center. Finally. LOL.
WOD #20 (TJ)
19:58
3 Rounds:
Row 300
15 KB Swings 35lb
20 sit ups
10 squats
5 burpees
That is my Crossfit. (Sorry, husband. I think about you, too, obviously.) (And you are very handsome.) (I love you.) (You are number one on my whiteboard.)
ANYWAY.
I think that training has been the best decision I have made. I love the group classes, and I am obessed with my friends at Crossfit, but the gains I have made, especially lately, seem to be so much bigger when I'm one on one with TJ or Shain. And I love how DIFFERENT their training styles are, because I have doubled my gains...I think it is because I can focus on somethings (running, for instance) with Shain and other things (pull-ups) with TJ. And that makes for such a different experience.
My schedule has been so hellish lately, and I am kind of impressed with myself that I am making the time to workout before I make time to do the other things (aka cleaning lol) that need to get done. The truth is I'm a million times happier when I'm doing good at the gym rather than when I'm cleaning. Who knew?
With this WOD, I am 10% of the way to my goal of 200 WODs for the year. Incidentally, it is only 10.4% of the way through the year. (Yes, I am a huge dork). But I feel really good about this, and I feel really good about the fact that I am still working on something. (I am also glad I have all of this positivity recorded for when I'm not as positive!)
Oh...I was also excited that I did box jumps on a tire today! It was just a little 1 foot tire, but I am not as afraid of falling in the center. Finally. LOL.
WOD #20 (TJ)
19:58
3 Rounds:
Row 300
15 KB Swings 35lb
20 sit ups
10 squats
5 burpees
Monday, February 7, 2011
Mean Things I Like to Say to Myself
So after the excitement of getting my double-under, I spent the entire time I was falling asleep Friday night discounting myself. Why, you might ask?
1) You don't have to be thin/in shape to get a double under.
2) It doesn't get you on the white board.
3) It doesn't require strength.
4) I still can't run a mile.
5) Blah blah blah blah blah
Seriously, if I spoke to other people the way I speak to myself, I'd be the biggest bitch anyone has ever met.
But one thing that was pretty cool:
When I was younger, I went to camp every summer. (NOT BAND CAMP, thank you very much). Anyways, there was a summer that we had to do this hike that I couldn't for the life of me do. It was hard. Now, the following summer I came back and OWNED that hike, but I still remember the counselor, Robb, having to walk with me and coach me up this stupid 3 mile hill. Well, we are FB friends and he wrote on my wall, "Congrats on the DUs, I'm still slaving away on the singles..." Which definitely gave the inner Rachel a smile. Not that he is doing singles...but more that I have come that far.
I'm really lucky.
That is all.
1) You don't have to be thin/in shape to get a double under.
2) It doesn't get you on the white board.
3) It doesn't require strength.
4) I still can't run a mile.
5) Blah blah blah blah blah
Seriously, if I spoke to other people the way I speak to myself, I'd be the biggest bitch anyone has ever met.
But one thing that was pretty cool:
When I was younger, I went to camp every summer. (NOT BAND CAMP, thank you very much). Anyways, there was a summer that we had to do this hike that I couldn't for the life of me do. It was hard. Now, the following summer I came back and OWNED that hike, but I still remember the counselor, Robb, having to walk with me and coach me up this stupid 3 mile hill. Well, we are FB friends and he wrote on my wall, "Congrats on the DUs, I'm still slaving away on the singles..." Which definitely gave the inner Rachel a smile. Not that he is doing singles...but more that I have come that far.
I'm really lucky.
That is all.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Judy Blume Totally Should of Prepared Me For This
Friday, February 4th, 2011 at like 5:15 pm.
I got my double under. On the ground.
It was seriously way so exciting. I of course yelled but no crying this time. I don't know if you saw "Easy A" but there is a line that made me think of this momentous occasion. Olive says, "Judy Blume should of prepared me for what it was like to fake losing my virginity". I get that, because I totally thought that there would be angels playing the harp or something when I got my double under, and instead there was only me going, "Really? Are you sure?" and then screaming. But the heavens didn't open. TJ didn't even cuddle with me afterwards. ;)
I had a truly fabulous workout today. I ran, I worked on my pull-ups, I got my double-under, and then I PR'd on Jackie by 7 minutes. Not too shabby. (Also, Danny keeps telling me if I don't stop saying "Best Day Ever" he's gonna kill me. So what? It was the BEST DAY EVER!)
WOD #18 (myself)
Max 400m 3:06
(I beat my last time by 14 seconds! And I didn't stop once!)
WOD #19 (TJ)
Jackie--not RX'd
11:32
Row 1000m
30 Thrusters 23 lb
20 Ring row
So, the last time I did this (in March) I got 18:31. I did row 1000m, 50 thrusters at 8.5 lbs, and 30 jumping pull-ups. I still think that I would of done better than that time if we had done 50 thrusters at 8.5 and 30 jumping pull-ups, but I think the ring rows are better at this point, and Gd knows I don't want to do any more thrusters than I have to. I probably could of gone heavier on this, but between the pull-up practice with the bands and the double unders, I was pretty spent.
I also noted my row time for the 1000m...5:27. I pr'd on that, too! :) By 30 seconds. I am having a fabulous Crossfit week.
Truly, I am so excited. The double under on the ground was AMAZING. And I got it like 5 times, so it wasn't a mistake. ;) I am so grateful to Cassie, Shain and TJ for taking the time to work with me and for believing in me! I love you guys!
Next stops? Sub 3:00 400, running a half of a mile without stopping, and pull-ups. And then obviously Crossfit games...in 2013.
I got my double under. On the ground.
It was seriously way so exciting. I of course yelled but no crying this time. I don't know if you saw "Easy A" but there is a line that made me think of this momentous occasion. Olive says, "Judy Blume should of prepared me for what it was like to fake losing my virginity". I get that, because I totally thought that there would be angels playing the harp or something when I got my double under, and instead there was only me going, "Really? Are you sure?" and then screaming. But the heavens didn't open. TJ didn't even cuddle with me afterwards. ;)
I had a truly fabulous workout today. I ran, I worked on my pull-ups, I got my double-under, and then I PR'd on Jackie by 7 minutes. Not too shabby. (Also, Danny keeps telling me if I don't stop saying "Best Day Ever" he's gonna kill me. So what? It was the BEST DAY EVER!)
WOD #18 (myself)
Max 400m 3:06
(I beat my last time by 14 seconds! And I didn't stop once!)
WOD #19 (TJ)
Jackie--not RX'd
11:32
Row 1000m
30 Thrusters 23 lb
20 Ring row
So, the last time I did this (in March) I got 18:31. I did row 1000m, 50 thrusters at 8.5 lbs, and 30 jumping pull-ups. I still think that I would of done better than that time if we had done 50 thrusters at 8.5 and 30 jumping pull-ups, but I think the ring rows are better at this point, and Gd knows I don't want to do any more thrusters than I have to. I probably could of gone heavier on this, but between the pull-up practice with the bands and the double unders, I was pretty spent.
I also noted my row time for the 1000m...5:27. I pr'd on that, too! :) By 30 seconds. I am having a fabulous Crossfit week.
Truly, I am so excited. The double under on the ground was AMAZING. And I got it like 5 times, so it wasn't a mistake. ;) I am so grateful to Cassie, Shain and TJ for taking the time to work with me and for believing in me! I love you guys!
Next stops? Sub 3:00 400, running a half of a mile without stopping, and pull-ups. And then obviously Crossfit games...in 2013.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Do You Know What Today Is?
This gets it's own post.
One year ago today, I entered the Sincity Crossfit praying to Gd that the trainers there would tell me that they were sorry, but they couldn't help someone like me. My best friend, Mike, had told me I needed to try it out, and when I looked it up, I knew that there was no way in hell I could do anything on the website. At the time, I was doing huge amounts of cardio...my goal was 360 minutes (this is ridiculous just writing it out) of walking and elliptical a week. Additionally, I was taking a class called "Body Pump" where we moved from track to track, body part to body part, doing about 1000 reps at a low weight. (It was a great class, but I was not getting any gains in strength).
However negative I was when I walked in, things changed pretty quickly. The first memory I have of Crossfit is being on the rower and Krista coming up and introducing herself to me. I was really shocked, I had been at my other gym for two years and knew almost no one. Baseline was tough (the whole squatting thing? What was that?) and I was mystified at the sheer amount of girls doing pull ups. Until then, I truly thought only military men could do pull ups. Seriously.
The past year has been nothing short of a challenge that I won't go into. The Rachel that I am today versus the Rachel I was a year ago today is so much stronger mentally and physically. I am blessed with a truly incredible support group that not only believes in me, but makes me laugh my ass off. I am far from perfect, but I like who I have become and who I am becoming, and I know a lot of that has to do with the tools I have gained from Crossfit. I am grateful that I walked into the Box a year ago, and I look forward to the days and years ahead.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Shain Is Always Right, I Rarely Am
So Friday night I had a great workout. I have a lot to say about it, but my computer at home is not working and I'm sneaking this in at work before I forget about it.
WOD #9 (Shain)
Round 1: 3:39, Round 2: 3:23 Round 3: 2:46 (rest exactly one minute between rounds)
Each round had:
Run 200m
12 Box Jumps (6 in, try to jump consecutively, really hard for me, 1) I'm always tired and 2) I'm petrified of falling on my face)
6 Power cleans (43 lb)
Shain wouldn't let me know how many rounds the WOD would have until halfway through. During the minute rest before round 3, he said, If you can beat your time for round 2, we can make this your last round. If not, you have to do 5.
This is the funniest part: Round 3 sucked, or so I thought. I ended up walking on part of the run, because I was DEAD. I was like, DAMMIT! I can't do more rounds! As soon as I finished, I threw myself on the ground, and I was like, SHAIN! How bad did I do? He said, "Well, you tried really hard, but you only--". At that point, upon hearing "only", I was so sad, and started trying to get back up. Not an easy task. "--beat your time by like 30 seconds or so". He grinned and so did I.
Shain says he can't believe how hard I push when I think my WOD is almost over. I never believed him until this time...I guess I really do better when I see the light at the end of the tunnel! I did run the warm-up all by myself without stopping. I didn't workout at all this weekend, but I'm okay with that and ready for a great week. Cassie the Evil/Wonder Teacher has her work cut out with me! :)
WOD #9 (Shain)
Round 1: 3:39, Round 2: 3:23 Round 3: 2:46 (rest exactly one minute between rounds)
Each round had:
Run 200m
12 Box Jumps (6 in, try to jump consecutively, really hard for me, 1) I'm always tired and 2) I'm petrified of falling on my face)
6 Power cleans (43 lb)
Shain wouldn't let me know how many rounds the WOD would have until halfway through. During the minute rest before round 3, he said, If you can beat your time for round 2, we can make this your last round. If not, you have to do 5.
This is the funniest part: Round 3 sucked, or so I thought. I ended up walking on part of the run, because I was DEAD. I was like, DAMMIT! I can't do more rounds! As soon as I finished, I threw myself on the ground, and I was like, SHAIN! How bad did I do? He said, "Well, you tried really hard, but you only--". At that point, upon hearing "only", I was so sad, and started trying to get back up. Not an easy task. "--beat your time by like 30 seconds or so". He grinned and so did I.
Shain says he can't believe how hard I push when I think my WOD is almost over. I never believed him until this time...I guess I really do better when I see the light at the end of the tunnel! I did run the warm-up all by myself without stopping. I didn't workout at all this weekend, but I'm okay with that and ready for a great week. Cassie the Evil/Wonder Teacher has her work cut out with me! :)
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